What my fears have taught me

I don’t suppose anyone sits down and thinks intentionally about what their afraid of, but somewhere in the back of my mind I’ve always known.

I remember once on a date, I was asked – “what are you scared of?” He meant like spiders or snakes, but without even thinking I blurted out “not being able to have children.” Needless to say I didn’t see him again.

Recently I’ve found myself wondering, if  perhaps I’d manifested this painful reality there and then? Did the universe hear my worry and set out to challenge me? Is there a lesson I need to learn?

And, on other days it feels as though life is just a line of disconnected events, that we’re so desperate to join together in the hope of making sense of it all?

Whatever the reason for the things that happen, I’ve found two things to be true.

  1. There are things you can change.
  2. There are things you can not change – no matter how desperately you want to.

And with this knowledge I re-access the damage caused by this all mighty fear coming true. I am still standing, I have not ceased to exist, the world did not end – although perhaps it did, if only for a moment.

By accepting the things I can not change, I’m not giving up. No, i’m just loosing the tight grip that’s controlled my world. I’m unclenching my teeth and breathing out – this is me. I’d spent so long focused on things that were outside of my control, that i’d let the important stuff slip away. So much worry, so much fear and for no benefit, nothing has changed.

And so to focus on the things I can change, here comes the fun. My mindset, my thoughts, in time my feelings, but most importantly my future. It’s ours to shape however we want.

Focus on the good stuff and pour your energy into the things you can change.

For I truly believe, the best is yet to come.

How to get out of a slump

As the rain hits the window and then slides gently down, it appears to me that even the rain has more purpose and direction then I do right now.

On any other rainy day I’d welcome the perfect reason to stay inside and work. But not today. Today I don’t feel like doing anything. It’s as those the rain has handed me an invitation to do nothing and I’m taking it.

Any sense of pride or self care has left me, I throw on my boyfriends old jumper and tie back my hair into a green Pepper Pig hair band. I was going to go for a swim, but not today. Today I choose not to look in the mirror, as a way of avoiding the consequence of my actions.

Now I’m all for a duvet day, but one of choice and not by default. A duvet day is a glorious celebration of pyjamas, me time and T.V and that is not what’s happening today.

As I hang off the fridge door one more time, I feel equal amounts of sadness and surprise when I realise  nothing new has arrived. There’s no yummy cake or left over heart warming Shepherds Pie – I’m not much of a cook and live on the other side of the world to my mum, so where this Shepherds Pie or cake would come from, I have no idea!

In my disappointment I reach once more for the left over Easter eggs. These eggs have been hidden away from my step kids for some months, in the hope they’d forget just how many they got. But I didn’t forget, I know exactly where they are! They don’t even taste very nice but once more I break a bit off and stick it in my mouth.

This has got to stop!

Now, I have to admit this is not my first time. Me and this feeling go way back. It floors me every time and strips me bare of all my motivation and pride.

But despite my seemingly submissive behavior, I have learnt a few things from each visit.

I have a small list of things that make me feel good and another list of things that make me feel bad. On days like today my brain likes to hide the knowledge of these lists as far away as possible, some where behind the Shepherds Pie recipe perhaps.

But, over the years I’ve noticed that when I’m flying and life just seems to click into place – that’s when I’m doing as many of the items on the good feelings list as I possibly can. And when I fall off the wagon, well today is what happens.

I grab hold of this knowledge with both hands and take a deep breath. The first step is always small, just get to the pool, ‘you don’t even have to swim’ I tell myself.

 

The stories I’ve made up about you

I have a running conversation in my head and it’s not just with myself. I imagine conversations I might have with people I know and then I make up their response. More often than not it’s a negative conversation. Sometimes it’s a friend picking me up on my shitty behavior or my boss pulling me up on my bad mood. Whatever the situation I always have the best answers to their reprimanding.

Apart from the obvious issues with having a chat with yourself, there are a few other problems with speaking on behalf of someone else, even if it’s in your own head. The biggest issue is you have absolutely no way of knowing how the other person feels about this situation, let alone might actually say in reality.

Now, as our brains are constantly looking to make sense of the world we live in, we join the dots where possible. And, when there is no obvious connection we make it up. This creation of a story will always reinforcing the view you already have, because after all it’s you making it up. Whatever you believe you’ll find ways to confirm.

As I run though these made up scenarios in my head and allow myself to play every role, I muster an emotional response towards these people, and just like that, my brain subconsciously applies it to real life.

With very pieces of information (fiction or real) I construct a linear story that reinforces my views of the people I know and the world we’re in.

As I write this I can’t help but wonder if anyone else is doing the same thing inside their head? And if they are, how different is their world must to mine? Have they already made up my responses and crafted an image of who they believe I am. Will they even be able to hear me if I answer differently to what they believe? Do our realities ever cross?

All I can do is consciously tried to stop myself when I feel those stories stirring in my head.