Why do we give it away?

When it comes to relationships, I have been known to jump in. Head first and an optimistic heart – ready for the next adventure. And I know I’m not the only one.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. It makes for great passion and in the beginning amazing fun.

When he was into raving, I die my hear blue and grab a couple of glow sticks. If he’s into motor bikes, I find myself trackside cheering on my favourite riders. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with being adaptable and open, I’ve had some much fun and never did anything I didn’t want to do.

It’s just sometimes it goes a little too far.

The problem is, when someone else’s life takes president over yours and you don’t give your own interests and hobbies as much focus and enthusiasm as you do theirs.

So from time to time i’ve found myself in this place. I become so submerged in their wold, I can’t remember what I like to do for myself. I’ve lost friends, given up hobbies and even quit jobs, all in the interest of the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not a push over, no one made me do it, it’s always been my own choice and it’s always felt so good in the moment. It’s only when I’ve had the time and space to step back and ask what exactly do I do for myself? That I’ve realise, somewhere along the line, I forgot about me.

I don’t want to say no to new things or not get involved in a partners life, just because I didn’t suggested it. There has to be a way we can meet in the middle?

Are we afraid of looking selfish, or saying no? Or is it that I genuinely don’t mind what we do? When I’ve been single I’ve had no issues coming up with great things to do. It just seems, as soon as I’m in a relationship I throw them away.

Is it possible to have balance and maintaining the things we love as well as being present in someone else’s life?

I guess the first step is identifying the things you love. I’ve never been hard core at anything and I don’t have a hobby that takes over my life and demand every weekend. Perhaps if I did the boundaries would be easier to maintain. But I don’t, I like going for breakfast with my friends and writing my blog, which seem to be easily shifted to make space for other things.

But it shouldn’t matter what the activities are that we love to do, the important thing is that we do them for the right reasons. And that reason is you.

Maintaining your sense of self doesn’t have to be a grand gesture of independence, it can be as simple as your morning run, drinks with friends or taking your partner to see a play.

Remember what makes you shine and keep on doing it!

Plan ahead or live in the moment?

I can’t exactly put my finger on when things changed, but I know for sure they have. It’s not that I didn’t used to plan ahead, it’s just how far into the future I thought things through, that seems to have changed.

The plans of what to wear on Saturday night and if I had enough money to get drunk and get the last bus home, have somehow morphed into – how much do I need to earn to be able to pay the mortgage in 4 years time, and what do I need to do to combat the long term effects of alcohol on my body?

With every inspirational quote on Instagram telling us to be more present, I can’t help but question, is this shift to future planning actually doing me any favours? Life is definitely more fun when you forget about the consequences and live in the now.

It is however, worth mentioning at this stage, anyone with a social media following of 300K plus, at some point must have given a nod to the future, when they mapped out their path to Instagram influencer fame. And not, as they quote, stayed fully in the present.

Perhaps it’s ok to live in the moment if you have a plan for the future?

But what if it’s not the distance into the future that’s the problem, but the sentiment behind it. It seems to me, that planning ahead somehow got replaced with worrying ahead.

When you plan for the short term, it’s easy to see the outcome and in the most part take joy form it. Worrying about the future is useless, there’s no real way of knowing how things will go. And worrying doesn’t have any influence on the outcome, it doesn’t change a thing.

Planning into the future is a great thing, as long you actually do something about it and take action. That’s the difference between planning ahead and worrying ahead – the action you take.

I believe it’s possible to be fully present and look ahead at the same time, when your actions in the now line up with the future you want.

However in the ultimate twist, it does seem to me that the best adventures always come along when you least expect them, from an unplanned, unexpected place.

So now all that’s left to do is, be present, while planning ahead and remaining flexible…….

If anyone has mastered that please let me know how.

What my fears have taught me

I don’t suppose anyone sits down and thinks intentionally about what their afraid of, but somewhere in the back of my mind I’ve always known.

I remember once on a date, I was asked – “what are you scared of?” He meant like spiders or snakes, but without even thinking I blurted out “not being able to have children.” Needless to say I didn’t see him again.

Recently I’ve found myself wondering, if  perhaps I’d manifested this painful reality there and then? Did the universe hear my worry and set out to challenge me? Is there a lesson I need to learn?

And, on other days it feels as though life is just a line of disconnected events, that we’re so desperate to join together in the hope of making sense of it all?

Whatever the reason for the things that happen, I’ve found two things to be true.

  1. There are things you can change.
  2. There are things you can not change – no matter how desperately you want to.

And with this knowledge I re-access the damage caused by this all mighty fear coming true. I am still standing, I have not ceased to exist, the world did not end – although perhaps it did, if only for a moment.

By accepting the things I can not change, I’m not giving up. No, i’m just loosing the tight grip that’s controlled my world. I’m unclenching my teeth and breathing out – this is me. I’d spent so long focused on things that were outside of my control, that i’d let the important stuff slip away. So much worry, so much fear and for no benefit, nothing has changed.

And so to focus on the things I can change, here comes the fun. My mindset, my thoughts, in time my feelings, but most importantly my future. It’s ours to shape however we want.

Focus on the good stuff and pour your energy into the things you can change.

For I truly believe, the best is yet to come.

Even free spirits thrive on routine

I hate routine, at least I used to think I did.

As a serial short term employee, I craved new and exciting experiences.

As soon as I’d mastered a role, when the everyday tasks become a repetitive chore, and it all got a bit too samey, I would polity but ever so efficiently exit the building.

Soon enough this behaviour led me to the only logical conclusion; I would only be happy if my life was forever changing. Never the same, never stuck in routine. I craved freedom and adventure, I am a free spirt, don’t hold me down.

Perhaps I was looking at things from the wrong angle…….

Studies have been done across all areas of success, from loosing weight to running a business and they all point back to one common trait – dedication to routine. Not just for a few days or even weeks, but repetitively acting in a certain way, day after day, and not stopping at the first sign of success, but setting this new way of life in stone.

Think back to any point in your life when you’ve felt great. A time when you were killing it.

Without a shadow of doubt for me, it was a time when I had my morning routine nailed. I did the same actions, at the same time, in the same order, every single day.

Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t for the full day –  just a simple morning routine of hot water and lemon, a walk, writing and a coffee. The point is I wasn’t bored, I didn’t crave change, I was actually the happiest I’ve ever been and, when my circumstances changed, I took it with me and life continued to fly in the right direction.

Perhaps I’ve had mundane routines confused with creative rituals all this time? Or maybe it’s as simple as being the creator of your own routine that’s important.

Whatever it is, for me a little bit of a routine goes a really long way. Waking up and not having to think about the first actions I need to take seemed to throw me out of bed with out question and sets me up for the best day I could possible have.

What’s your routine?