Why do we give it away?

When it comes to relationships, I have been known to jump in. Head first and an optimistic heart – ready for the next adventure. And I know I’m not the only one.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. It makes for great passion and in the beginning amazing fun.

When he was into raving, I die my hear blue and grab a couple of glow sticks. If he’s into motor bikes, I find myself trackside cheering on my favourite riders. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with being adaptable and open, I’ve had some much fun and never did anything I didn’t want to do.

It’s just sometimes it goes a little too far.

The problem is, when someone else’s life takes president over yours and you don’t give your own interests and hobbies as much focus and enthusiasm as you do theirs.

So from time to time i’ve found myself in this place. I become so submerged in their wold, I can’t remember what I like to do for myself. I’ve lost friends, given up hobbies and even quit jobs, all in the interest of the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not a push over, no one made me do it, it’s always been my own choice and it’s always felt so good in the moment. It’s only when I’ve had the time and space to step back and ask what exactly do I do for myself? That I’ve realise, somewhere along the line, I forgot about me.

I don’t want to say no to new things or not get involved in a partners life, just because I didn’t suggested it. There has to be a way we can meet in the middle?

Are we afraid of looking selfish, or saying no? Or is it that I genuinely don’t mind what we do? When I’ve been single I’ve had no issues coming up with great things to do. It just seems, as soon as I’m in a relationship I throw them away.

Is it possible to have balance and maintaining the things we love as well as being present in someone else’s life?

I guess the first step is identifying the things you love. I’ve never been hard core at anything and I don’t have a hobby that takes over my life and demand every weekend. Perhaps if I did the boundaries would be easier to maintain. But I don’t, I like going for breakfast with my friends and writing my blog, which seem to be easily shifted to make space for other things.

But it shouldn’t matter what the activities are that we love to do, the important thing is that we do them for the right reasons. And that reason is you.

Maintaining your sense of self doesn’t have to be a grand gesture of independence, it can be as simple as your morning run, drinks with friends or taking your partner to see a play.

Remember what makes you shine and keep on doing it!

Plan ahead or live in the moment?

I can’t exactly put my finger on when things changed, but I know for sure they have. It’s not that I didn’t used to plan ahead, it’s just how far into the future I thought things through, that seems to have changed.

The plans of what to wear on Saturday night and if I had enough money to get drunk and get the last bus home, have somehow morphed into – how much do I need to earn to be able to pay the mortgage in 4 years time, and what do I need to do to combat the long term effects of alcohol on my body?

With every inspirational quote on Instagram telling us to be more present, I can’t help but question, is this shift to future planning actually doing me any favours? Life is definitely more fun when you forget about the consequences and live in the now.

It is however, worth mentioning at this stage, anyone with a social media following of 300K plus, at some point must have given a nod to the future, when they mapped out their path to Instagram influencer fame. And not, as they quote, stayed fully in the present.

Perhaps it’s ok to live in the moment if you have a plan for the future?

But what if it’s not the distance into the future that’s the problem, but the sentiment behind it. It seems to me, that planning ahead somehow got replaced with worrying ahead.

When you plan for the short term, it’s easy to see the outcome and in the most part take joy form it. Worrying about the future is useless, there’s no real way of knowing how things will go. And worrying doesn’t have any influence on the outcome, it doesn’t change a thing.

Planning into the future is a great thing, as long you actually do something about it and take action. That’s the difference between planning ahead and worrying ahead – the action you take.

I believe it’s possible to be fully present and look ahead at the same time, when your actions in the now line up with the future you want.

However in the ultimate twist, it does seem to me that the best adventures always come along when you least expect them, from an unplanned, unexpected place.

So now all that’s left to do is, be present, while planning ahead and remaining flexible…….

If anyone has mastered that please let me know how.

What my fears have taught me

I don’t suppose anyone sits down and thinks intentionally about what their afraid of, but somewhere in the back of my mind I’ve always known.

I remember once on a date, I was asked – “what are you scared of?” He meant like spiders or snakes, but without even thinking I blurted out “not being able to have children.” Needless to say I didn’t see him again.

Recently I’ve found myself wondering, if  perhaps I’d manifested this painful reality there and then? Did the universe hear my worry and set out to challenge me? Is there a lesson I need to learn?

And, on other days it feels as though life is just a line of disconnected events, that we’re so desperate to join together in the hope of making sense of it all?

Whatever the reason for the things that happen, I’ve found two things to be true.

  1. There are things you can change.
  2. There are things you can not change – no matter how desperately you want to.

And with this knowledge I re-access the damage caused by this all mighty fear coming true. I am still standing, I have not ceased to exist, the world did not end – although perhaps it did, if only for a moment.

By accepting the things I can not change, I’m not giving up. No, i’m just loosing the tight grip that’s controlled my world. I’m unclenching my teeth and breathing out – this is me. I’d spent so long focused on things that were outside of my control, that i’d let the important stuff slip away. So much worry, so much fear and for no benefit, nothing has changed.

And so to focus on the things I can change, here comes the fun. My mindset, my thoughts, in time my feelings, but most importantly my future. It’s ours to shape however we want.

Focus on the good stuff and pour your energy into the things you can change.

For I truly believe, the best is yet to come.

Why I’m selfish

Being selfish has never been a good look. I get it, being nice to other people is important.

However, if you don’t put yourself first and be selfish, I know from experience it’s super hard to be there for others.

I’m a crappy friend when I need a bit of me time. I’m a shitty girlfriend when I make everything about him and when work takes over, I eventually run out of steam and quit.

But, when we’re constantly told not to be selfish, how do you make it more about you?

The saying goes “you can’t pour from an empty cup” – that is, you can’t give away what you haven’t got. So how do you fill up your cup?

For the longest time, I thought my problem was that I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what made me happy. I’d try writing lists of things I liked to do, but never ended up doing them.

As I looked at my latest list, I realised the issue wasn’t knowing what I wanted, the issue was that I wasn’t prepared to make it a priority. I never made space in my life for doing the things that made me feel like me. And slowly but surely those things slipped away.

It’s not a matter of having time, it’s always amazing what you can fit into a day when your being productive. It’s a matter of boundaries. The amount of me time I have is no one else’s responsibility, and it’s no one else problem if I made it to the gym or not.

And, if I want to there for you, i’ve got to be there for me first.

Whatever makes you shine hold onto and don’t let go – even if a better offer comes along. I promise that offer will still be there after you’ve been to the gym or meditated.

How to get out of a slump

As the rain hits the window and then slides gently down, it appears to me that even the rain has more purpose and direction then I do right now.

On any other rainy day I’d welcome the perfect reason to stay inside and work. But not today. Today I don’t feel like doing anything. It’s as those the rain has handed me an invitation to do nothing and I’m taking it.

Any sense of pride or self care has left me, I throw on my boyfriends old jumper and tie back my hair into a green Pepper Pig hair band. I was going to go for a swim, but not today. Today I choose not to look in the mirror, as a way of avoiding the consequence of my actions.

Now I’m all for a duvet day, but one of choice and not by default. A duvet day is a glorious celebration of pyjamas, me time and T.V and that is not what’s happening today.

As I hang off the fridge door one more time, I feel equal amounts of sadness and surprise when I realise  nothing new has arrived. There’s no yummy cake or left over heart warming Shepherds Pie – I’m not much of a cook and live on the other side of the world to my mum, so where this Shepherds Pie or cake would come from, I have no idea!

In my disappointment I reach once more for the left over Easter eggs. These eggs have been hidden away from my step kids for some months, in the hope they’d forget just how many they got. But I didn’t forget, I know exactly where they are! They don’t even taste very nice but once more I break a bit off and stick it in my mouth.

This has got to stop!

Now, I have to admit this is not my first time. Me and this feeling go way back. It floors me every time and strips me bare of all my motivation and pride.

But despite my seemingly submissive behavior, I have learnt a few things from each visit.

I have a small list of things that make me feel good and another list of things that make me feel bad. On days like today my brain likes to hide the knowledge of these lists as far away as possible, some where behind the Shepherds Pie recipe perhaps.

But, over the years I’ve noticed that when I’m flying and life just seems to click into place – that’s when I’m doing as many of the items on the good feelings list as I possibly can. And when I fall off the wagon, well today is what happens.

I grab hold of this knowledge with both hands and take a deep breath. The first step is always small, just get to the pool, ‘you don’t even have to swim’ I tell myself.

 

Getting to the bottom of things

There’s no denying it, it all feels like too much today.

Certain life choices with unknown out comes loom over head, bigger and scarier than ever, while the daily practice of functioning like a normal adult human just seems like too bigger task for me.

Looking around, it’s as though my surroundings reflect the inside of my head. 100 jobs started and not finished, too many good intentions to count, disorder rules – it’s a mess.

I look to my phone, surely this faithful distraction will take the edge off. But in a rare moment it looks blankly back at me, as if to say “don’t even think about it.”

I’m stuck here, in this moment forced to take it in. And, unless I want to stay here forever, lost in the disorder, starting but never finishing, I’d better find a different rout out.

But, when you don’t even know what the problem is, how could you possibly find a solution.

For me, it’s with 3 simple ‘why’ questions.

Q1. Why are you feeling like this?

  • There’s too much to do, nothing is getting done, I’m late with everything, it feels like chaos.

Q2. Why is nothing getting done?

  • Because I keep getting distracted.

Q3. Why are you distracted? 

  • I’ve got so much on my plate, I don’t know where to start.

Obviously you could ask why forever and this example is a pretty basic one. But this exercise is useful non the less.

For me it cuts through the surface level emotion and gets to the point – I’m feeling over whelmed and with so much to do I don’t know where to start.

All that’s left to do now is find a good starting point, work out what exactly needs doing and how I’m going to get it done.

 

 

Standing down

I guess at one stage or another it happens to most of us. Maybe it’s age, or perhaps it’s the change in commitments the follow day that’s got me looking at my watch at 9pm in a busy bar, wishing I was at home.

The problem is, there’s another side to me that disagrees very strongly to that thought. Unfortunately she tends not to show up when I’m actually out.

No, she appears at the planning stage, popping her head up with a nostalgic glow anytime someone mentions a night out. She fills my heart with anticipation when I hear others talking about big nights and whispers softly in my ear “if you want to be fun, you know what you have to do, staying in is for boring people.”

But, as I find myself waiting at the bar, trying so hard to enjoy something that 5 years ago would have been pure pleasure to me, she disappears and leaves me alone.

It’s time to admit it, this just isn’t fun any more.

It was, but not anymore.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still have a good time, it just show up in a slightly different form these days. Like an afternoon BBQ or, dinner with friends. Unlike the old days where we’d dance off into the night chanting  “eating’s cheating and sleep is the enemy.”

It’s time to admit those days are gone.

But once again she raises her head and cry’s, “but you’ll be no fun”.

It’s true, those days are gone, and it’s not even a matter of seeing what’s replaced them as fun. I already know that.

What’s hard to admit, is what used to be the best thing in the world, no longer is. No matter how hard I try to recreate it, it’s gone. It’s time to stand down.

As I look around the packed dance floor I’m happy to see, it’s someone else’s turn now.

I’m no longer hard wired to believe a good time is only had if it ends with a spew. I’m thankful for the fun I had and grateful for what’s replaced it.

I love my mornings, my family time and not to mention feeling healthy. I love a few beers in the afternoon sun and laughing until it hurts at dinner with the greatest friends.

In this moment I cherish them just that little bit more, as I realise time will pass and soon enough it will be someone else’s turn.